Reactions to the manipulation 1.6.2

1.6.2 Reactions to the
manipulation
→ Types of behavior
While defining assertive behavior, very often we use the useful distinction of three types of reaction to
manipulative behavior: submissiveness, aggression and assertiveness.
SUBMISSIVE REACTIONS are about submitting to the expectations we are facing. It’s not about every
expectation, but the ones that are violating our boundaries in a manipulative way. Submissive behaviors can appear in various social systems. We can see them very often when there is a power hierarchy:
subordinates evince submissive behavior towards their supervisors, although there may be a situation
where it’s in a opposite way – the supervisor is submissive towards their subordinates. Submissiveness
can also appear between co-workers of the same organization or in a relation worker-client. Submissiveness shows as a reaction to trespassing psychological boundaries by other people in order to prevent
the escalation of a conflict or aggression.
AGGRESSIVE REACTIONS to violating boundaries lead to the escalation of a conflict, deterioration of relations or trespassing a person’s boundaries, who is formulating towards us expectations violating our
boundaries. It’s about all kinds of verbal aggression, passive resistance – aggressive, not reacting to
formulated expectations, as well as using manipulative techniques towards the person, who seems to
be violating the boundaries. There are many examples of such behavior: insulting a friend who wants
to borrow some money from us once again, ignoring client’s phone calls who probably wants to ask for
help with a problem that is beyond our job responsibilities. Violating other person’s boundaries (especially in a passive-aggressive reaction case), even in a reaction to their manipulative behavior, has
nothing to do with assertiveness. It is similar with a case of vocalizing your own expectations towards
others. That’s why we will call assertive behavior towards other people only those actions that let us
keep our own expectations while not violating others’ boundaries.
What is assertive behavior?
Assertive behavior means direct, honest and firm expression of the feelings, opinions, views or needs
towards other person in a respectful way towards their feelings, opinions, views, rights or needs.
Assertive behavior is different from the agressive or submissive ones. It means using your rights
without violating other people’s rights and it assumes actions that are consistent with your own interest, and are as well a firm defence of your rights and yourself. Assertiveness demands an acceptation
of other people and yourself.
Aggressiveness
Agresywność
Submissiveness
Uległość
Assertiveness
Asertywność
Respecting
yourwłasnych
own rights,
Respektowanie
praw,
disregarding
lekceważenieother
praw people’s
innych rights.
Disregarding
own rights,
Lekceważenieyour
własnych
praw,
respecting
other
people’s
respektowanie
praw
innychrights.
Respecting
yourwłasnych
own rights,
Respektowanie
praw,
respecting
other
people’s
respektowanie
praw
innychrights.
Przejawy postawy:
Symptoms
of attitude:
Przejawy postawy:
Symptoms
of attitude:
Przejawy postawy:
Symptoms
of attitude:
- We
defend
our rights
andlekceważąc
disregard
Bronimy
własnych
praw,
others’s
rights,
prawa innych,
- We
dominatenad
overinnymi,
people,czasami
sometimes
Dominujemy
we upokarzając,
humiliate them,
ich
- We
listeninnych,
to others,
Nie don’t
słuchamy
- We
make decisions
while
Podejmujemy
decyzje
nie overriding
uwzględniając
others’
rights,
praw innych,
- We
act hostilely
or defensively.
Przyjmujemy
postawy
wrogie lub obronne.
- We
disregard our
rights,
letting
others
Lekceważymy
własne
prawa,
pozwalając
violate
them,
innym je
naruszać,
- We
show our needs,
Nie don’t
przedstawiamy
własnych potrzeb,
opinions
feelings,
poglądówand
i odczuć,
- We
are dishonest
– our actions
Zachowujemy
się nieuczciwie
– have
nasze
nothing
dopokrywają
with our words
it’s
działaniatonie
się zeand
słowami,
causing
angernagromadzenie
and mistrust issues.
co powoduje
się złości
i nieufności.
- We
defend
out rights
while
respecting
Bronimy
własnych
praw,
uznając
other’
rights, prawa innych,
jednocześnie
- We
show our
needs,
opinions
and feelings,
Wyrażamy
swoje
potrzeby,
poglądy
- Our
relations with others are based
i odczucia,
believeing
inzourselves.
- on
Nasze
stosunki
innymi cechuje wiara
w siebie.
Takiebehavior
This
zachowanie
means
oznacza,
that: że:
Takiebehavior
This
zachowanie
means
oznacza,
that: że:
Takiebehavior
This
zachowanie
means
oznacza,
that: że:
- IJathink
so and so,
you
are stupid
tak uważam,
a Ty
jesteś
głupi,
if you’re
thinking
otherwise,
skoro
myślisz
inaczej,
- Matters
think, not
I think,
Liczy sięwhat
to, coyou
Ty myślisz,
niewhat
to, co
ja myślę,
- This
my moje
statement,
Takieisjest
zdanie,
- Your
matter,
not nie
mine,
Liczą feelings
się Twoje
odczucia,
moje,
- That’s
how I feel,
Tak to odczuwam,
- It’s
more
important
how you
see
Ważne
jest,
jak Ty widzisz
tę sytuację.
this situation.
- That’s
I see
situation,
Tak otohow
widzę
tę the
sytuację,
- Those
are
my feelings
Takie są
moje
odczucia–– Twoje się nie liczą,
Yours doesn’t matter,
- Tak oto wygląda sytuacja:
- nie
That’s
how the
situation
obchodzi
mnie,
jak Tylooks:
ją widzisz.
I don’t care how you see it.
- I’d
like to know
how do you
feel
Chciałbym/
chciałabym
usłyszeć,
about
it, maybe
we can find
satisfying
jak Ty się
z tym czujesz;
możea uda
nam
solution.
się znaleźć rozwiązanie zadowalające
nas oboje.
Tips for assertive behavior
How to refuse – rules
•Don’t apologize.
•Don’t attack.
•Don’t lie.
•Don’t explain over and over – give one true and important reason of why you refuse.
•Use a method of a „broken record” that consists in:

za key sentence repeated firmly and calmly,

maintaining a contact (ex. I understand that you’re upset.)
Elements of refusing assertively
•Clear NO – ex. There will be NO understanding.
•One reason – ex. because you’re screaming.
•Broken record – ex. in this situation it’s impossible
•Taking care of the relation – ex. I’m so sorry, I suggest we contact later, ex. I will call you after a half
an hour. Will you be avaliable at this time?
A broken record technique consists in:
•Saying the same information multiple times.
Saying it in a shorter statement each time, ex.:
„We won’t come to understanding,
because you’re screaming.”
„We won’t come to understanding.”
„It’s impossible.”